For most of my life (I pretty much discount the first few years when I was more interested in shiny objects than life paths) I have been trying to figure out what exactly I want to do when I grow up. Over the years I have managed to cross off the list a whole bunch of things that I absolutely DO NOT want to do. Unfortunately most of the things that are being crossed off the list are pretty much the things that define the society I live in, which causes a bit of a dilemma. How exactly can someone WIN ‘The Game’ if said someone is not exactly willing to PLAY ‘The Game’? Not that I care about winning. But I do care about playing. One of my fundamental philosophies is to “play well with others”.
This is exactly why several years ago I moved into The Cave. Basically a few years back I was so fed up with a society that I had lost all respect for that I did my absolute best to hide from it. And succeeded rather admirably for a couple of years.
Unfortunately hiding does nothing to change things.
In that time period I manage to identify some of my priorities, which is no bad thing. But just when I decided to rejoin the world I was pretty much hit by a random asteroid and ended up stuck in the cave for a few years longer than planned.
OK OK it was not actually an asteroid, but suffice to say any plans I had of saving the world got slightly derailed. Beyond being buried by asteroid rubble, I also found that I still did not really have a lot of respect for the world, and it seemed to me that while I was living in my cave it had actually had gotten worse. But hiding was no longer really an option. What to do? I began with Facebook. Then I got a meaningless job to get some cash. Then I started blogging.
That is when my world actually opened up again.
However until very recently I was still pretty much buried under the rubble, even if I was slowly digging my way out. Suddenly I find myself free of the rubble, even if still coated in dust. I am no longer actually working, but the world is in view again.
But I am still wondering “Now what?”
I have several projects going on. Three blogs. Two books slowly being created. And as much as these are chances to communicate with the world again; to maybe even open an eye or three, I still am not actually living IN the world. And I am definitely not doing anything all that world-changing. For a little while I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity about this. Once I got that out of my system, I racked my brain looking for the next step, and as usual was looking so hard I could not find it.
So the past week or so I tried a little experiment. I purposely stopped TRYING. I stopped thinking; planning; questioning. I stopped worrying about what my future will hold; stopped looking for what I did wrong in the past. I stopped judging the usefulness of what I was doing now. I stopped being angry or sad about the state of the world. I did my best to simply BE and DO. The doing frequently a video game.
This is not the first time I have simply ignored the world, but usually it is due to avoidance, or depression, and while it may sometimes refresh it rarely changes anything. Especially since there was almost always guilt or self-condemnation involved afterwards. The difference this time is I simply accepted. Did not judge myself.
Just embraced the moment.
And guess what happened. A voice from my past suddenly contacted me, offering me the chance to participate in a new project. Not only is there income potential in this, but the very idea is something fresh … and ripe with the potential to change things. Beyond that, it is an opportunity to pursue an idea that I had before I hid in the cave, and idea that I shelved because I thought the world was not ready for it yet. Or maybe I was not ready for it yet.
What is the point of this rather long winded ramble? Nothing new actually if you have followed my blog. Just another reminder to myself of the simple tennet that sometimes the best way to find what you need is to stop looking for it.