The rather bored looking security guard looked up from her coffee. “Can I help you?” I handed her my business card. Clearly printed on it were the words: Beasties Anonymous. Founder, CEO and Chief Hunter N E Guy. “A Mr. Jeneric called me. Said he had a monster problem.”
She took the card and looked it over. Sipped her coffee. Looked at the card again. Looking at her nails, she asked “Who are you here to see?”
“Mr. Jeneric. He called me. Said it was kind of urgent. Where is his office please?”
“I will see if he is expecting you? Your name is?”
I pointed to the card. “N E Guy. He called ME. Said it was urgent…” She picked up the phone and dialed an extension. A beastly roar followed by a piercing scream could be heard in the background.
“A man is waiting to see Mr Jeneric. He hasn’t told me his name or why he is here. Is Mr. Jeneric expecting anyone?” She nodded. Laughed. Discussed the weather. And the cute guy she saw in the local coffee shop. Laughed again. Hung up the phone. “Mr Jeneric is wondering what is taking you so long. You should have been there minutes ago!! Take the stairs over there. Last door on the left.” She then gave me a disgusted look and returned to her coffee. I started towards the stairs. “Sir you can not enter until you sign in,” she said rather snippily. “Your name and who you are here to see. I would do it for you but I don’t know!” She pointed to the clipboard next to the sign that listed the names and office numbers of everyone and said: Simply sign in and enter. It was behind a plant.
I signed in and started quickly up the stairs. Loosened the Slayomatic Ray that I finally got the license to use after 6 applications, 3 genetic tests and a signed statement from the neighborhood girl scout verifying that I eat chocolate and mint. The Slayomatic was just out of the box. Fully charged and easy to use was right on the box. I heard another roar followed by more screams.
I entered the last door on the left. The roaring and screams were much louder. The tinkling of glass breaking could also be heard. There was a long desk with a receptionist behind it. She was typing on a computer and seemed unfazed by the noise. Beyond her was a short hallway with another door. Seemed all the noise was coming from there. I started down the hall. She looked up and said, “Please wait behind that line until you are called.” Another roar.
“ I am here to deal with that!” I said, pointing towards the sounds. And continued down the hall.
She said, “Please wait behind that line until you are called.” I ignored her and reached the door. It was locked.
“Can you open this door?” I asked. I didn’t want to try to break it down. It looked pretty solid.
“Of course I can!” she said indicating a button by her seat. “Please wait behind that line until you are called.”
The door looked REALLY solid. So I went to wait behind the line. The horrifying sound effects continued.
The receptionist typed some more. Another scream. I stepped forward. She looked up frostily and pointed to the line. I stepped back.
After a short eternity she finished typing and looked up. “Next!”
“Please open the door so I can get the critter!!”
She looked at me. “Name please. And what time is your appointment?” Another blood curdling scream.
“If it is that important to you my name is N E Guy. And I don’t exactly have an appointment. I was called to rid you of a monster! Open the door!!!”
She handed me a clipboard. “Walk-ins will have to wait until the next available time slot. Please fill out this form.” There were at least 3 pages. The first page began with the question What color socks are you wearing?
I pointed the Slayomatic at her and pressed the stun button. She slumped over onto her desk. I reached over an pressed the button. The door clicked open. The noise got very much louder. A voice yelled “Where is that monster hunter!?!”
I raised the Slayomatic and rushed through the door. The room beyond was a shambles. There was another door where all the noise was coming from. I couldn’t see who was in there even though the door was open. Occasionally something would fly out of the room and smash against the wall, narrowly missing the disheveled looking man sitting in the rubble. He eyed me and said, “You Mr Guy? About time you got here. I told you it was urgent. I hope you don’t expect me to pay the full fee. Please get rid of that monster…after you sign this waiver of course!” And he held out another form. The sounds from the other room quieted down, as if the monster knew I was there.
I ignored the form and headed for the open door. Mr. Jeneric huffed and puffed behind me, but made no move to stop me. I looked into the other office carefully. Amidst the rubble in there was a short, extremely mild looking gentleman covered in dust. Nobody else.
“Where’s the monster?” I asked. He just looked at me with a glazed look in his eyes. One of his hands seemed to begin turning into a claw. Figuring it was better safe than sorry, I pointed the Slayomatic at him and pushed stun. The gun sputtered, sparked and said “pffffft”. I looked at the display and it read Error code: 3&lpt/%t. Call support for assistance, followed by a phone number. Seeing as the cause of the disturbance seemed momentarily quiescent, I pulled out my cell phone and dialed the number. Wanted to make sure the Slayomatic would be ready if I needed it.
The phone rang a few times. A elegant voice said, “Thank you for calling the Easy Weapon support line. If you are using a Slayomatic please press 1. If you are using a Megablaster 3000 please press 2. For all other weapons please press 3.” Beep. “If you received an error code please press 1. If you have a question about batteries please press 2. If you shot yourself in the foot please press 3.” Beep. Beastie stirred a bit. “If your Slayomatic sparked, fizzled and said ‘hissss’ please press 1. If it sputtered, sparked and said ‘pffffft’ please press 2.” Beep. Growl. “If you have a last will and testament please press 1. If you need a lawyer please press 2.”
The vicious drooling beast that was moments ago a very mild looking man leaped at me. I kicked it in the groin and hit it hard on the head with the Slayomatic. It dropped like the economy under the Bush administration. I prodded it with my foot. It was down for the count. Mr. Jeneric peeked in the door. “Did you get it?” he asked. Then he looked around the room. “Thank you for your help Mr. Guy. Of course we will deduct the cost of damages from your fee since it took you so long to get here.”
I hit Mr. Generic with the Slayomatic.
Three weeks later I sat on an exotic beach sipping an refreshing umbrella’d drink, having made a killing by investing in Easy Weapon Support Line and Forms Are Us stock.