A moment in the dark …

Been in hiding for a few days.

I sometimes do that. Especially when I lose site of the positive. And sadly the negative seems to often come as a surrounding cloud, instead of a simple drop of rain.

Photo by Steve Kramer

Usually when I hide away, I do a lot of thinking. About the world. About me. About whatever put me in this mood.

So what did I think about this time? Why was I hiding?

  • First issue: Character flaw? 
    I am great at starting things. Whatever it might be. Need something done and I will set it in motion. The issue is that I am horrible at finishing things. Even if it is a personal challenge, once I get to the point where I know I can achieve whatever goal I had set for myself, I almost invariably stop. Because the challenge is no longer there. Or I am already set for the next challenge. Or maybe the act of finishing is a let down to me. I am not sure why I do this. Just know that I do. Take the A to Z challenge. I actually stopped at X. Will have to do Y and Z  now just cuz.
  • Second issue: Why? Just why?
    Why, if driving is considered a privilege am I basically being told I must have a driver’s license? If it is mandatory then how can it be a privilege?
    Why does a mistake that harmed no one and happened 8 years ago still haunt me today and mark me as an evil person, when people who actually kill someone or do crimes with intent walk away with suspended sentences or a few hours of community service?
    Why does the concept of innocent until proven guilty, supposedly a primary premise of our whole justice system, only apply to certain types of laws?
    Why is paperwork more important than people?
  • Third issue: The cycle continues…
    The news of the hour is of course the death of Bin Laden. And frankly I am a little disturbed about our reaction to it. MY first reaction was big deal. I might have been more impressed if 10 years, thousands of lives, a collapsed world economy, war and the fall of a nation had not happened as a result of his actions in the mean time. But the general reaction is waving the American flag around as if our nation as a whole has done something fabulous. The reality is that kind of thinking is one of the reasons why 911 happened in the first place. It was a group of soldiers that found him. Not a president. Not America. They happened to be American soldiers yes. But it was people, not a nation who did this. And beyond that, why do we think this has really changed anything. We simply cut off the head of a snake. It WILL grow back. A philosophy of intolerance and hatred will not simply disappear just because one of its preachers has been removed. Our economy is failing. Our nation is failing. I won’t say that the events of the last 10 years caused it, but they may have triggered it. And we focus on fluff. To me it is kind of silly to celebrate the removal of a thorn when the building is collapsing around you. But I guess maybe I am the silly one, since I seem to be in the minority there.

Photo by Steve Kramer

Add  to all of these thoughts a pinched nerve in my neck and you might have an idea why I was in hiding. I am not even sure I should be writing this, because even if anyone wants to read it will they even care what it says? Maybe I AM the silly one. But I will post it and it will be read or it won’t. At least it is no longer festering inside of me.

0 thoughts on “A moment in the dark …

  1. Steve,
    As I discovered after my post about Bin Laden, you are not the only one who thinks this way. I’m sorry you are in the darkness again. I wish I could make it better, but we both know that we have to work our own way through the darkness. You can do it.

    • Well if the bureaucracy demons would get their heads out of their respective arses and let me move on with my life it will be easy to get out of the darkness. But I am back to square one with the stupid driver’s license issue.

  2. Then I am a silly one, too and have the same character flaw…. seems it’s more of a challenge to finish things…. Well, now the DL issue I don’t have… have another really silly bureaucracy issue tho since a few days…. if things like this happen I ask myself not the question Why? as I never will get an answer…. if I ask myself the question wherefore / whereto? (that’s the closest translation I found to the German expression) it’s kinda making things slightly better ….
    Certainly I can relate to all of the above and have the same opinion!

  3. Now can you get your pinched nerve sorted please cuz I am tired of not being able to turn my neck fully…

  4. Well, if it means anything, I read this post and related COMPLETELY to it. I was 45 years old and didn’t even have so much as a speeding ticket on my record when I went out pissy at my old man one night, had too many drinks with friends, tried to drive home, and got pulled over. There was no accident, no one was injured, it was a harmless incident caused by my stupidity.
    Fast forward three years this past month. Losing my license, not being able to drive, and dealing with the court shit pushed me into a serious depression I had to go on meds for. I live in the country 7 miles from a small town and 30 from the city. I haven’t been able to pay my fines because I don’t have the money. I don’t have the money because I don’t have a job. I can’t get a job because I live too far away and don’t have a license. I don’t have a license because I can’t make arrangements to pay my fines. Feel me? It’s called being stuck between a rock and a hard place. The worst part is I pretty much lost contact with everyone I knew in the city after this happened and I could no longer get together with them (and apparently I wasn’t important enough to drive 45 minutes to pick up or come see), and hadn’t made friends here where I relocated too. Basically my home has become my prison, and my blogger buddies are really my only friends. Sadly, I have a husband who won’t help me get it back because I suspect he likes having me here under his thumb.
    Okay, so now do you feel better? 😉

    • I have not had a proper job since this started (when I have worked at all). Glad to know someone understands what I am saying even if it disgust me more that others understand what I am saying lol

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