I have recently been dealing with what I consider the flip side of writer’s block. Basically instead of a lack of ideas to write about, I have a surplus. There are so many that they are bleeding together, and I am actually having a difficult time separating the thoughts enough to put them into words. So I am trying a stream of thought piece … just writing whatever comes to mind even if it does not follow coherently from the last thought. Should be interesting for one, and maybe it will give me the seeds to plant the whole garden. So here we go.
As I sip my mocha … hot chocolate and coffee mixed, I am talking to my neighbor about stealing pens, while thinking about the reason there is no whip cream in my coffee is the kitchen staff keeps doing whippets. Yep, that is how my mind is working lately. Meanwhile in the back my anger is stirring over the thoughts that carried me in the walk over, thoughts about the selfishness of those in power, and how juvenile they actually are. Thoughts about greed and logic and the drive of so many to remove humanity from humans. Thoughts on what I can do and doubts that I can do anything. Thoughts, thoughts, and more thoughts.
I am having a foodgasm right now. Dream Gyrl taught me this. I never really learned to appreciate flavors until she showed me her shear pleasure in eating. I tried it out, and combining the focus and the random access to food … food has a whole new meaning to me now. She hooked me on caffeine too come to think of it.
I used to have the delusion (misconception?) that I sought happiness. It is becoming more and more evident that is the wrong goal … at least for me. We are all a soup of chemicals, which, among other things, come out in the form of emotions. They are necessary components of who we are, no more ignorable that an organ or a limb. Yet so many of us fear them or try to hide them. Or we go to the other extreme and let them control us. It is how we deal with this chemical cocktail that ultimately determines the quality (and maybe even purpose) of our lives. This is the realization I came to as I experimented with external chemicals; playing the game that I have denied myself; riding the wave of the rebel; fighting the “man” in spirit. As I made the choice that day to live or die, I realized what I truly am seeking. Happiness plays a role … yes, but it is just a part of the puzzle … not the goal in itself. I honestly believe that because so many of us seek this to the extreme, we throw the scales of humanity off balance, which ultimately creates our current teetering on the edge.
My realization is hard to put into words, which to me adds to the truth of it. The more profound the truth, the less capable words are to describe it.
I am stuck by one major limitation (though for this flawed human limitations abound). I am trying to confine the infinite in a box … which simply can’t be done. I am trying to squish four plus dimensions into three, which is no different then trying to draw a cube on a piece of paper. Close, but limited by the perceptions and imagination of the perceiver. But maybe I can portray a glimmer, enough to spark an idea; ignite a flame. We shall see.
I am interrupted by the law of three. A segue, yet also intimately related to the previous thought. But both will pause for the side salad before me.
Salad for the body done, back to the ephemeral salad. Human perception and thought is binary, a function of our design? Or a choice we make? We understand best with opposites. Single poles confuse us, leave us searching for more. Trinary and above, we break it down to binary, and thus conflict often begins. This applies to all interactions with our own reality, but gets more complicated the more complicated the other side is. In planetary physics, gravitational interactions between TWO objects are pretty easy to predict. Add a third and BAM! The fun starts. Incidentally, gravity is one of those uni-polar ideas that confounds us. Another prime example: human relations. One to one, we actually do pretty well. Things only get complicated when the plus one comes in … the law of threes.
Back to pre-salad thoughts. Are they still bouncing around? Find the middle ground between opposites, we achieve balance. Balance feels good, all is as it should be. Stability on the fulcrum. But that is just with the two … what about other sets of two? Or add the law of three. Two in balance, three knocks the balance off, so we need to find four to restore the balance. And on around the circle. Add a third dimension. Add a fourth. Keep adding. A complicated reality with the balance constantly shifting, keeping our sense of rightness(?) off. So we seek something to bring it back. How off is it? The choices we make will show that. But if we choose too far in the “wrong” direction, the balance is still off, just in another way.
Life is the continuous struggle to regain balance.
Happiness is just one of the poles. Necessary, but not the end in itself, because too much focus on happiness actually keeps the balance off. THIS is my realization. This is my drive now. I don’t seek happiness. I seek balance.
I think I have arrived where I need to be for the moment. The thoughts still whirl, but right now they are whirling coherently, electrons around a nucleus. Where will this take me? Only time will tell. And since time is basically a function of choice and perception, this will take me everywhere, nowhere, wherever I WANT it to. This is what I seek in life. And for THIS moment at least, I have found it.