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By On October 12, 2015 9:24 am

A list of Federally recognized holidays:

  1. New Year’s Day: we celebrate a random day in the middle of winter that doesn’t actually start anything except an arbitrary calendar by partying hard and having mega sales.
  2. Martin Luther King Jr Day: we honor a wise and good man by pretending racism is gone and having mega sales.
  3. George Washington’s Birthday / President’s Day: we honor our first president, and to be politically correct ALL presidents (even if they did nothing particularly good for our country) by having mega sales.
  4. Easter (technically a business holiday): we prove that there is a war on Christianity by having 2 out of our 11+ Nationally Recognized holidays being Christian (the ONLY religion actually honored nationally), and celebrate with lots of food, a series of pagan rituals and having mega sales.
  5. Memorial Day: we remember the many soldiers that have died for our country by having barbecues and mega sales.
  6. Independence Day: we celebrate the birth of our nation with barbecues, often illegal fireworks, and having mega sales.
  7. Labor Day: We honor the workers of our nation by making them work overtime for mega sales.
  8. Columbus Day: we honor a dude who accidentally bumped into a well populated and already often visited “New World”, claiming he discovered it, by having mega sales.
  9. Veteran’s Day: We honor the many soldier’s who have not yet died for our country so we can ignore them completely for the other 364 days of the year, by having mega sales.
  10. Thanksgiving Day: we remember the day that we actually thanked the indigenous population for helping a few of us survive before we completely ruined their lives, by having a big meal and having mega sales.
  11. Black Friday (business “holiday”): we have a day devoted to mega sales (we really needed one!!)
  12. Christmas Day: we again prove the war on Christianity by celebrating the non-birthday of a man who may or may not even have existed with lots of food, a series of pagan rituals and having mega sales.

And people wonder why I am a cynic.

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An ode to Black Friday

An ode to Black Friday

‘Twas the night after Thanksgiving, when all through the land, Rabid creatures were stirring, the time for shopping was at hand; The lines began building outside the stores, In hopes that shoppers would be first through the doors; The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While parents began ... Read More