The last time I moved back to the ‘rents house to “temporarily” recoup was roughly … 6 years ago. Since then, I have been living my hermit life in what I affectionately call “the cave”. I had several considered reasons for this move, all of which made logical sense to me. I was broke and unemployed again.I was unsure what I wanted to do or where I wanted to be, and frankly was a little fed up with humanity. My intent was to do a little soul-searching, find out what I wanted to do next, and then pursue it. I only planned to be there for a few months at the most.
I have found, though, that my life is governed by two things … neither which have anything to do with my personal plans. Irony, and … synchronicity.
If I were not unemployed and sort of homeless (I had the cave but it is to me just a way station), I would not have been able to move in with with my sister for a few months to help her recover from her near death experience. If I were then not still lost and wandering, I would not have moved back to the cave and taken a couple of jobs just for the sake of an income … jobs that helped me get into shape so that I could survive my own heart attack. If I had not had a heart attack and needed my own recovery time, I would not have started blogging. I would not have been here to help my parents out of the financial hole that was a symptom of dad’s journey into Alzheimer’s, preventing them from ending up on the street when dad’s Alzheimer’s began fully taking hold. I would not have been around to help my mother take care of my dad; would not have been there to help her weather the sudden onslaught of him moving to a nursing home and her being mugged by Medicaid; would not have been there to help her and my sister say goodbye to him (even though we did not know we were); and I would not have been there to help share the pain of seeing his soulless body the next day.
I believe he left by choice … our visit of the day before was the best visit we had had for a while … almost as if HE at least knew he was saying goodbye.
I would love to say I accepted all of these unexpected duties in my life with grace and smiles, but that would be far from the truth. As anyone who has followed my blogs will well know, I have often struggled hard with my seemingly stalled life. The synchronicity does not end there though. Yesterday morning I set into motion a crazy idea, and idea I have been building up to for years, though the shape of it just took form a few days ago. It is an idea that I know my dad would have whole heartedly supported, and he would have helped me in any way he could. This is a project that could very well be my next step in life. I literally finished the blog post that set this project in motion mere minutes before going with my mom to visit the nursing home. We weren’t even really going there specifically to visit dad, it was more that mom wanted to deliver cookies she made as a holiday gift and a thank you for the staff. While we were driving there my dad passed on. We had just started down the hallway to the elevator to the floor he was on when we were stopped and told.
Irony and synchronicity.
As I said, I think dad left on his own timing. To me that is a life complete. Only the truly fortunate can breathe their last by their own choice … it is the ultimate blessing. And by departing this world when he did, he started a chain reaction. He freed himself (and the rest of us) from years of helplessness. But he did more than that. He freed my mother and myself to move on with our lives. Almost at the very same moment that I found a direction.
For all my recent years of feeling lost; of not knowing what path my feet should be following … it seems that maybe I have been on the exact path I needed to be on all along. My life of the last few years was not stalled … rather I was where I needed to be both to grow and learn, and to help those who needed my help.
My father taught me much about life … even if I was not always aware of the lessons until much later. It seems he is still teaching.